I WANT

so It is 2am saturday night, I'm sitting in front of the computer and trying to do my portfolio which had to be done like about 3 years ago?  Hmm.. my mind though, goes full gas on neutral. I can not stop thinking, and all these thoughts about life and its meaning are driving me nuts! Even my physiotherapist asked me this week "Kamilla, what are you thinking so loudly about?". Honestly, about everything. I feel like I'm having a second Yom Kipur here, where I'm constantly doing "hesbon nefesh". I'm thinking about who I'm and where I'm in life, where I'm heading to and where do I want to see myself in a few years. What do I want? starting from finally reading Tolstoy's "War & Peace" I owe it to my Russian heritage, and finishing with eventually getting my license to be a lawful architect in NY State. otherwise why did I literally sacrificed my 20-s for all of these sleepless nights?  I'm 30 years old, I have a wonderful family: a terrific husband and a superski cute and chubby 4 month old baby. I love my in-laws and I live in NYC. I have a job as an Architectural/Interior designer in a boutique, little firm which does superb high-end residencies, but unfortunately doesn't pay my bills that much.. And here I'm running after my big and little dreams, without looking forward to see where I'm actually going :) This is so much me. At least let me write it down and clear some mess...


Read Tolstoy "War and Peace" and read more in general
pass the test for arch. license
learn to sew
always put clothes in the closet!don't throw them around the room!
never be 10 min late to work every morning
paint, paint, paint
dance dance dance
finally go to Japanese society building and see what they have there
re-render all my projects
own your own business
design clothes, have a line and sell them
make money
design homes and sell them-developing
learn to play piano
call friends and family and keep in touch in general-I never do that
move to park slope and own a townhouse
enjoy the moment, appreciate what you currently have
know to look at the big picture, don't dwell in little details
smile more
travel more-really want to go to Paris
be patient
don't curse
start driving, you have the license!!
design and build my own home
loose the remaining 10 pregnancy lb and sport activities as way of my life
i want to dye fabrics


this is totally incomplete and it seems that as I was writing it , I lost the thread and forgot something very important. I guess it is to be completed, now off to sleep. Tomorrow is another open house to see.
Sweet dreams!